Everybody may poop, but there’s one, extra special corner of Amazon where everybody doesn’t just poop—they poop like goddamn clockwork. And they’re more than happy to share their shadooby-stained tales of nature’s call. A call they owe entirely to the laxative tea that they bought for their—uh, wives. Sure, yes. Their wives.

Maybe it’s the fact that older generations are more likely to be drawn to laxative teas in the first place. Maybe it’s the fact that Amazon’s reviews are just generally a rotting wasteland of misspellings and capital letters. Either way, the laxative teas seem to bring out the best (relatively speaking) in every one of the site’s many, esteemed reviewers.

Though there are many laxative teas to choose from, only two teas are being reviewed here: Traditional Medicinal’s Organic Smooth Move and Yogi’s Soothing Mint Get Regular. Both teas use senna as their active ingredient, meaning that both teas appear to work equally well. Put simply, no matter which you choose, you are going to shit your pants.

But oh, in what ways!

Natural disasters.

Asking for a wife/friend.

Questionable analogies.

Tell it like it is.

Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.