Man comforts himself by pretending the universe is random, else he must accept that it is governed by a ruthless and spiteful God. Colon-killer Denny's runs a successful social media campaign pandering to slobs via tween-approved meme-speak. But when Ragu tries the exact same thing, no one cares. Its flailing attempts are agonizing to behold.

Why did hundreds of people retweet this:

But only ONE person noticed this exists?

A lot of Ragu's tweets aren't even this lucky—they're sitting, as if preserved in amber, with no favorites or retweets at all:

Just miss after miss. Holidays marked by Ragu alone. No traction. No LOL. A glass container of pasta sauce screaming into an empty canyon.

"Tortellini Tuesday," says Ragu. "Tortellini Tuesday. Tortellini Tuesday."

Most of these are completely incoherent in addition to being completely unpopular, like some sort of shitty foreign exchange student:

The silence grows even more deafening when they ask for contributions.

On the rare occasions someone responds, Ragu responds like a raving castaway, grown wild and insane after years without human contact.

If you're ever feeling down about yourself remember that every day someone wakes up and has to write these things for a pasta sauce and dip company knowing full well that no one will ever read them or care about them or notice them or eat Ragu products because of them. Their entire existence is forfeit. RT if you agree!